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I was sitting here wondering about what brilliant subject I could write on next, what deep words of wisdom do I have to share, what's the one piece of advice I can give that someone starting out in the biz can ingest, process, and take with them for the rest of their lives. What is the most important, exciting and profound thing I do during my day? And then I got asked to go on a coffee run.

My thoughts followed me to Coffee Bean where I ordered two small Lattes with an extra shot and a Grande Vanilla Soy Chai Tea Latte. On my way back to the office, three coffees and a pile of sugar packets held delicately in one hand, it occurred to me-- not just anyone can do this as well as I can. This is an art.

Taking Orders

If you run into problems later in your coffee run, 99% of the time they can be traced back to the initial order placement. (Translation: Your fault.) The orders can be extremely complex, and if the person you are ordering for is extremely successful, their beverage's nomenclature probably contains a word you don't know. This brings us to my first tip: When in doubt, write down the order exactly as they give it. That way you can relay it to the barista word for word and if the order comes back wrong it was their words, not yours. If you're interested in saving a tree and/or looking like the coolest PA/assistant ever, try the "Coffee Order" app, (pictured to the left). You have to know a couple things about coffee to use it efficiently-- for example, that a Latte is in the Espresso category-- but if you weren't born under a rock circa the nineteenth century you should be able to grasp those general concepts fairly quickly.

What's Your Angle?

Nobody wants a coffee with foam and brown stuff all over the lid but it's almost inevitable, especially if you are transporting the beverages in a vehicle. How you carry the coffee is an often overlooked art form that, fortunately for you, I have mastered*.  Back when I was a novice, I solved the brown-foam-flooding-the-lid problem by pouring out about an inch from everyone's cup. However, this is a dangerous practice as it can lead to over-the-line coworkers being under-caffeinated. As we all know, a caffeinated producer is a happy producer! Err... well, sometimes. Anyway, to solve the lid spillage problem there are two easy things to remember; Align the openings and angle the tray. If you turn the cups so that all of the holes are facing the same direction, then angle the tray so that those holes are at the highest point, you are rewarded with a clean, dry lid upon delivery. No need to waste time and risk temperature decreases by getting napkins to wipe off the top. That leaves a stain and/or napkin residue every time, which is a dead giveaway to your lack of commitment and passion for the cause.
*Author's Note: Oddly enough, dozens of people passed by my delicately balanced beverage bundle without a second glance, or even a slight gasp of awe!
 

The Splash Stick: A tool for the un-gifted

Starbucks has invented this awesome thing called a "splash stick". I don't like to waste stuff I don't need, and having mastered the skill of not splashing things around while walking renders the splash stick unnecessary. However, if you are particularly uncoordinated or are transporting beverages in a moving vehicle then the splash stick is your new BFF. Ask for it, use it, love it. And if they don't have any, as they frequently run out due to unprecedented popularity, at least you have a backup method.

Extra Extra

I'm an honest gal. I don't lie, I don't cheat, and I even hate being late. I do, however, steal. I steal tons and tons of free sugar. I'm like the Bonnie and Clyde of the Starbucks amenities counter.  Aside from the fact that many brands of sugar are so darn expensive these days, I simply find it difficult to keep track of the amount of coffee accessories we have in our office because I myself am not a coffee drinker. (The snack shelf-- now that's another story.) Let's say you run off to Starbucks to get someone a 4 Shot Espresso Con Panna, only to realize upon your return that the sugar you thought you had back at the office was consumed by someone who had made themselves their own pot of coffee. Well, if you hadn't been so appalled at my idea of stealing free sugars in the first place you wouldn't be in this predicament, and could simply access one of your secret sucrose stashes in your desk drawers. How many sugars do you think were actually requested for the full coffee order pictured to the right? The answer is one sugar and one Splenda. How many sugars and Splendas did I actually get? I don't know, I didn't stop to count as I quickly grabbed two fist fulls. The next time I go to get coffee and forget to grab sugar I won't have to worry because I have a giant bowl full of them sitting right next to our French Press, (and in my purse, in my backpack, under my phone... I find these things everywhere!). Even if the person who likes to make their coffee taste like cotton candy used the last 20 packets, I have a stock pile ready to go in a drawer in case of an emergency. Problem solved.

 I Said Burrr, [clap clap], It's Cold In Here!

Nobody likes to hold scalding hot beverages and, similarly, nobody wants to get frostbite from an Ice Blended Mocha. It's always a nice thought to put one of those cardboard cozies on all your drinks, not just the hot ones. You may say it's a waste, but I say it's better to throw away the cozie than your career when an executive starts going on and on about how hot her drink is and how she can't hold it. Okay, well, they probably won't fire you or even say that out loud, but it's best to keep everyone comfortable and stay one step ahead of the game, right? And if you really don't want to waste all that paper feel free to retrieve them from the recycling bin and make a paper chain for your Christmas tree. (Or just store them next to your sugar for the next time.)

Look Ma, One Hand! (And my point)

Going on a coffee run might not seem like rocket science to you, and you are probably wondering how on earth learning the intricacies of my obsessive compulsiveness is going to help you get a job. Remember how I started out this article trying to think of wonderful glamorous things I can teach you about the complex world of the film industry? Well it all starts here, at the bottom. 99% of your face time with producers, directors and people you aspire to be is going to be when you do menial things like hand them their coffee or take their lunch order. If you mess that up it might not seem like a big deal to you, but think about it-- that's the ONLY time they see you and they are just going to assume that you handle everything the same way you handle their lunch. You may know that you spent four years working your butt off at an expensive college and you are poised to become the next Tarantino, but as far as they're concerned, you're the the kid who spilled their Venti Half Caf Tripple Mocha Latte Macchiato all over the lid and now they can't even touch it for the next 15 minutes because you didn't use an insulation sleeve.

I'm urging you to really think about everything you do and take pride in it even if you think it's beneath you, because it's really not. The director you are handing coffee to once handed coffee to someone else, and when that person was beginning their career they delivered food and ordered office supplies, just like you're doing now. You weren't the first person who was totally overqualified to take a coffee order, and you won't be the last. Try and keep that in mind, and when somebody hands you a coffee one day remember it wasn't so long ago you were in their shoes. Sugar with that?


Hey... just what does the title of this article mean anyway?